There are many things that adults do that trigger children and youth. Some of these things are known and some are unknown. One of the triggers I consistently—and unknowingly—activated with the two boys that I fostered was asking, “How does that feel?” or “What are you feeling?” I came to realize that the boys were upset by these questions for three reasons.

• They did not KNOW what they were feeling in that moment.
• They had not learned how to use the language of emotions.
• I did not practice or mirror the full use of emotions myself.

Looking back on this tough learning experience, I wish I had been more fluent in the language of feelings back then so that I could have helped their learning of emotions. How could I talk about feelings with the kids in my care when I did not always know myself what I was experiencing?

As adults, we can benefit—and in turn benefit our children—by becoming more emotionally self-aware.

I’ve mentioned the feelings wheel before, and I appreciate Dr. Ken McGill’s explanation of the wheel and ten steps to improve emotional self-awareness. I’ve adapted McGill’s steps below.

10 Steps to Improve Your Emotional Self-Awareness

Use the feelings wheel along with the questions to help you think about your emotions, feelings, thoughts, needs and how they impact you and your relationships.

1. Your primary emotions are in the center of the wheel. What primary emotions are you currently experiencing?
2. Your primary emotions may trigger secondary feelings. Your secondary feelings are in the middle and outer part of the wheel. Is there a secondary feeling you’re experiencing? What feelings are you identifying?
3. Your secondary feelings are primarily based on the thoughts you tell yourself about your situation at hand or the people involved. What thoughts are you telling yourself that are triggering your secondary feelings?
4. Considering the emotions, feelings, and thoughts you’ve identified, is there a need you have or an expectation you’d like to see fulfilled that’s connected to or embedded in the feelings you’re experiencing? What is it?
5. What personal responsibility or actions will you take to meet or satisfy your need?  What choices do you see yourself making to meet your identified need? How do you think your emotions, feelings, and thoughts will be different when you take responsibility to meet your own needs?
6. Which of the emotions or feelings would you like to experience on the feelings wheel?  Keep in mind that sharing your thoughts, exercising choices, meeting your needs, choosing to change, and working with others to create win-win outcomes are powerful determinants when it comes to the feelings you’ll experience!
7. Share seven things you’ve learned about emotions, feelings, thoughts, needs, etc.
8. Which feeling states and frames of mind would create a safe environment to keep you and your partner at the table of communication to create understanding or resolve problems?
9. What processes (taking deep breaths, requesting a time-out,  going for a walk, praying, listening to music, sitting quietly, etc.) and what thoughts might you change?
10. What feelings do you feel the most? Which are more comfortable for you to share with others?

Source: McGill, K. (2022, January 5). Ten steps to improve your emotional self-awareness using the emotions and feelings wheel. Dr. Ken McGill. https://drkenmcgill.com/2022/01/05/ten-steps-to-improve-your-emotional-self-awareness-using-the-emotions-and-feelings-wheel/