I remember being so excited to give Johnny all the things I thought he never experienced with his family of origin. I assumed that Johnny’s home life was full of abuse and neglect 7 days week, 365 days a year. Wow, was that quite the mistaken assumption.

Though Johnny did have some traumatic events that led to the removal from his parents, he and his family had had hundreds of enjoyable celebrations, holidays, and events. Years of good times and memories.

So when I decided to go big on the celebrations, I never imagined that offering Johnny a festive holiday season or a huge birthday bash was making him feel like I was trying to overshadow his parents or outdo what they had done for him. Or that it might look like I was trying to compete with his parents. I never imagined my good intentions might be leading to complicated feelings for Johnny, sadness and anger during a season when everyone else seemed to be joyous.

Caregivers can help anticipate and alleviate these intense and confusing feelings around celebrations. First, start with empathy.

Dr. John DeGarmo, a leading foster care expert, describes what a holiday might look like from the perspective of a child or youth in care:  Remember that our children and youth come from very different experiences than our own. Societally and personally, the picture of waking up early on a momentous day to begin celebrating is filled with joy, connection, familiarity, and predictability. Foster children and youth are awakening in your home with feelings of loss, angst, loss of control, and odd expectations. “To be sure,” DeGarmo says, “it is a day that is a stark reminder to these children that they are not with their own family. It is during the holidays when families are supposed to be together, yet these children in care are not. They are not with their families, and they may not know when they will see them next.”

Children and youth in foster care have sad feelings for a multitude of reasons, and many of their desires revolve around returning home to their mom and dad and possibly siblings. Despite the abuse and trauma they may have suffered at home—and despite all that you are offering them and have provided for them—they have more familiarity, predictability, and connection at their previous home.

After putting yourself in your child’s place, talk with them proactively to anticipate celebrations and holidays. Here are some tips.

• Talk about the upcoming event a few weeks prior to the date. Ask what they expect for the event and ask what would help them feel safe.
• Talk about what they did as a family and if they want to bring some of those ideas to this celebration.
• Create an alliance with the child so you have a plan if their day begins to get derailed.
• Offer a Plan B if Plan A is too difficult to navigate, and maybe even a Plan C, D, or E.
• Allow your child to opt out of any of the activities until they feel better.

Source: DeGarmo, J. (2022, November 28). Why Christmas and the holidays are difficult for children in foster care…and how you can help.