Lessons in Resilience

I am not a researcher, but I am in the middle (?) of doing some field research. Field research is a qualitative method of research concerned with understanding and interpreting the social interactions of groups of people, communities, and society by observing and interacting with people in their natural settings.

I live in Asheville, North Carolina, and we are in the midst of recovering from storms and a hurricane in what has been called a thousand-year event. More than one hundred people have lost their lives in my state alone, though more are unaccounted for at this time. My neighbors have also lost their homes, their livelihoods, and any semblance of normality. Entire communities have been washed away. (You know you are in bad shape when World Central Kitchen shows up to feed people.)

Though my home got by with minor damage, my neighborhood was without power for 14 days, and it has taken 19 days to get running water (not yet drinkable) back to our area. I am experiencing—and witnessing others experience—the various stages of grief. But what I want to write about is what I have observed around me these last three weeks as we have had to attempt to begin to bounce back from this tragic event. Here are the lessons I have learned and observed about being resilient. I encourage you to translate these lessons into the work that you do; I think they fit nicely.

People want to be together when times are tough

There is a phenomenon known as the “pulling together effect” in which individuals undergoing a shared traumatic experience are more likely to support one another, thus strengthening social connectedness. I had never heard of this effect. But I have sure seen it! In my neighborhood and all across the area, people stepped up to check on neighbors, bring needed supplies, eat together, empty out ruined food from fridges, clean up downed trees, share gas for generators, etc. So many people have commented that the silver lining in all this has been these new and deepened connections.

Translation: Stay connected. Look out for one another and check in on your colleagues!

You have more support than you ever know

My family, friends, acquaintances, from every stage of my life, reached out to check on us. Some of whom I had not been in contact with for many years. (I have an Airbnb in my home, and guests who have stayed with us long ago even reached out to offer support!) Those efforts to check on us were so powerful and helpful during this time. The last thing someone going through a tough time needs is to feel that they are alone in it. (BTW, if you are reading this and are one of those people who reached out, thanks from the bottom of my heart.)

Translation: Be that person who reaches out when someone needs support.

Be alert to strong feelings

No one under stress or going through tough times, can always be at their best. You will likely be surprised when the strain or grief or fear results in responding angrily or in ways that are just not you. Trust me, it will happen. (The first I experienced it was waiting in long lines for gas.) First, forgive yourself and acknowledge the stress, difficulties, and emotions you (and those other people!) are experiencing. If you can, not in the moment perhaps, but later, spend some time calmly looking at what the real issue is or where that feeling is coming from. (Hint: It is usually fear of some kind!)

Translation: Stay centered. Be aware of your vulnerability and signs of burnout and compassion fatigue.

Keep a routine

It took a while for me to see the benefit of this one. Since everything was different after the storms, I just went with whatever needed to be done next. My routines went completely out the window, and I thought that was the best thing—you know, adapting to what is. I even felt a certain way the first time I saw folks playing pickleball at what remained of the park. Too soon, I thought, people are suffering around here…

But you already know this, I hope: when everything is in chaos and nothing is normal, that is just the time to lean into the security of routines.

Translation: Have a self-care routine and make it a habit.

Not knowing

I have always been intrigued and served by the notion of “not knowing.” I was first taught the concept by Insoo Kim Berg, and it has been a part of my life and work ever since. Not knowing is when we acknowledge that we do not know everything there is to know in this world. This stance results in a more open, curious position.

During this difficult time, I was reminded again and again how useful it is to acknowledge the reality that there were going to be lots of unknowns  in this situation (when will the water and power come back?). Having a not-knowing stance allowed me to not have expectations that were going to be unmet over and over again and to be able to skip the frustration or anger that would naturally result.

Translation: Choose curiosity and watch what happens. (Maybe this time, that family will make a different choice…)

What are the lessons in resilience that you have learned in doing this work?

Dan